Cow and Chicken and I Am Weasel by David Feiss

***** FANFIC *****

Animal TV by Mike Cervantes
j-A. Lenopants interview by Hennie-René Oosthuysen
Jerry Springer interview by Elizabeth Berndt

I AM WEASEL
In: ANIMAL TV
Written by Mike Cervantes

(The scene opens with a bare television set being filled with various cardboard backgrounds. Weasel steps in, while tying a velvet robe around his waist.)

Weasel: Good day everyone, this is going to be a grand TV special.

(The Director, a skinny man in with a moustache, a flannel jacket, and a beret walks on.)

Director: (In Austrian accent) Weasel, after de' set up and de-ress rehearsal we have 45 minutes before airtime, and 'da thing.

Weasel: I don't need a rehearsal, thank you.

Director: Um, Mr. Weasel?

Weasel: yes?

Director: Ah want to thank you again for helping keep our great nation free, and 'da thing.

Weasel: Oh, it was nothing at all.

(director walks off)

Weasel: And da' thing... (snickers)

(Baboon bounds onto the stage holding a tray of pastries. He has powdered sugar all over his mouth and is chewing on his free arm.)

Baboon: MmmMmm! Weasel wanting Donut before show begins? (pulls a donut out of his mouth, the donut (as well as I.R's hand) is covered in syrupy drool)

Weasel: Umm, no thanks, I had a full breakfast.

Baboon: (pulls out a set of papers) I.R. look at blue pages, and doesn't see his name in TeeVee special script, for.

Weasel: Yes, that's because "I.R." isn't in the script.

Baboon: beg-what?

Weasel: We're not filming a cartoon here, Baboon. This TV special is my opportunity to enrich the mind of the young viewers, by exposing them to rich American literature, and foreign culture.

(Baboon gives Weasel a funny look.)

Weasel: (In condescending tone) I am going to sit in a big chair and tell fairy stories.
Now get off the stage.

(Baboon reluctantly walks off stage.)

Weasel: I honestly don't know why I keep him...

(various stage managers put a red sofa-chair and a lit fireplace on the set (which now looks alot like Franklin Roosevelt's "fireside chat" set.) Weasel gets on the chair)

Director: Show goes on live in 2 minutes, and the thing.

Baboon: (sitting on a stool off-stage) Stupid weezle, think he so smart. (picks a flea out of his hair) I.R. KNOW! Me get on show, and weasel see how hoity-toity I.R can get, HAhah. (zoomsoff)

Director: An' action, The thing...

Weasel: Good evening. for the next 15 minutes we will look into the fabulous, albeit, shortlived writing career of H.D. Fondlesven. Now, that's pronounced-

(I.R. leaps on stage wearing a frilly shirt and tights)

Weasel: Baboon?

Baboon: I.R. Willie shakes-pear! I.R. actor! (Pulls out a tiny human skull) Alas, you man, Well, I Know you

Skull: (I.R.'s voice) Sawwright..

(Baboon starts springing up and down on his tail. Weasel snaps his fingers and two burly men toss I.R. off-stage)

Weasel: sorry for the interruption...

Baboon: (sitting on a stool off-stage, has one black eye) Rrgh.. (Flips his wrist and gets up off the stool, starts walking) I.R. Wishing he had his own special..

(The Red guy peeks at Baboon from behind a cubicle wall.)

Red Guy: Ohh, this is too hard to resist....... (darts behind the cubicle wall)

Baboon: I.R. want own special, show Weasel up good!

(Red Guy leaps in front of I.R. he is wearing a suit with a very ugly Hawaiian tie.)

William Sanspants: Hellloooo...There. I'm William Sanspants: producer. (Hands Baboon a card)
MY CARD!!!

(Baboon looks at card, but it suddenly bursts into flames and disintegrates.)

William Sanspants: (flops onto his stomach) I couldn't help but overhear your conversation. AND I'M VERY INTRIGUED! (grabs Baboon by the lower lip and pulls him down to his eye level) I want to give you a T.V. special.

Baboon: (takes his lip back) YEEE! When do I.R. start?!

William Sanspants: Well, I'll say in ABOUT 15 SECONDS! use that stage over there. (chortles)

(Baboon zips on the stage, which is merely a wood-floor and blue curtains, William steps behind a camera)

William Sanspants: ACTION!

Baboon: Welcome to I.R. Show, Our show being much better than Weasel show on studio next-door. For next Fifteen minutes I.R will bring you, Umm.. (Scratches head with index finger. Looks at finger then starts to sniff it. William bursts out laughing.)

15 MINUTES LATER

(Baboon is still sniffing his finger and William is still laughing.)

MEANWHILE

Weasel: ...And that is how a severe case of "severed hands" curbed the career of a literary great. And now for expert analysis I give you John B. Alfonze. Mr. Alfonze, what is your impression of the post-modern works of H.D. Fondlesven?

Mr. Alphonze: You know more than I know, Mr. Weasel.

(They both laugh.)

SUDDENLY

Baboon: Now we will talk to Mr. Weenie (holds up a hot dog in his fist) Mr. Weenie Liking program sofar?

Mr. Weenie: (I.R. in high-pitched voice) Mr. Weenie think Special of I.R. is stoopid!

Baboon: STOOPID WEENIE! I.R. Harm you now! (Takes a bite out of the weenie, tosses the weenie away.) I.R. have better guest to put on show! Meet Mr. Sanspants: Produc-ier..

(I.R. Claps hands, William proudly walks on stage)

William Sanspants: Helllooo loyal viewing audience...

Baboon: Heeeee, I.R. Interview Sanspants now!

(I.R. pulls out a desk and chair, William sits in the chair, I.R. sits on the desk)

Baboon: umm, How do red, pantsless man become producer?

William Sanspants: (Tugs on his legs while he's talking) Well, my dear sweet mother was a producer, and she had me, I WAS ONLY A LITTLE PRODUCER back then....... anything else?

ON THE OTHER HAND

Weasel: and now, in order to best appreciate the work, we will now re-enact the southern
California Snowy Alps dance scene from the play "Ain't my Bananas."

(A curtain rises. Weasel, The Director, Mr. Alphonze, and Teacher are each standing on the
tops of 4 mountains clad in baggy trousers.)

Mr. Alphonze: Oh, we are doomed.

Director: All 'da Cheese in the Southern California will spoil, unless we can get-it the formula down these steepened alps, and 'da thing.

(Everyone sobs)

Weasel: Wait! We must not give up, Giving up never helped anyone.

Teacher: hey, the Squirrel's right!

Weasel: (pulls an Accordian out of his pants) Let's have a polka to raise our spirits.

All: HOORAY FOR THE WEASEL!

(Weasel plays the accordian and everyone dances. Teacher loses her footing and falls off her peak.)

BACK AT THE RANCH

(I.R. and William do the "Baboon Dance" across the stage. Then they "Butt-Walk" back to Stage right, and Conga-line back the other way. I.R. bumps into a really tall man with broad shoulders, sunglasses, and oil-slick hair.)

Censor: I'm The network censor. We recieved word from the network about the dangerous amount of gigantic red buttocks seen in this special. We're here to shut you down.

Baboon: Pardon, Eh-que?

William Sanspants: I'll handle this, Baboon. Yeah, well, YOU AND WHAT ARMY! (pushes Censor)

Censor: (Calls over his shoulder) ALLRIGHT LADIES, BRAND 'EM!

(A bunch of angry mothers with branding Irons chase after I.R, and Mr. Sanspants, They get
chased past Weasel's stage)

Weasel: Well, it looks like I.R. has learned a valuble lesson about quality television.

Censor: (steps next to Weasel) Not so fast, squirrel. I just got word from the Network that your show is killing our ratings with boredom, and I'm here to shut you down.

Weasel: But, Wait! what about the children?

(The censor kicks Weasel offstage, he lands butt-first on a rotating fan)

Weasel: YEEEOW!

5 MINUTES LATER

(Weasel walks over to Baboon, Who's sniffing his finger outside of the studio.)

Weasel: well, my friend, it looks like we both learned a valueable lesson about TV.

Baboon: Speak for you-self, Boring boy. (chuckles)

Weasel: Hahah. Let's go get some chow.

Baboon: Ooh-Ohh, I.R. want Chinese!

(Weasel and Baboon walk off into the sunset. Weasel has a bandaid where his tail used to be, and Baboon has the word "Censored" branded across his butt.)

THE END

Talk Show by: Hennie-René Oosthuysen, Dec 19, 1998

j-A. Lenopants (The Red Guy): Ladiieeess! Now if you’d all just shut yer’ food-holes we could get on with today’s show on sibling rivalry between livestock!

Audience: Yaaay!

j-A. Lenopants: Yes well, Today two of our guests are a cow and a chicken, please put your feet together for Cow and Chicken!

(Audience claps and cheers)

Chicken: Hay J. Nice ta’ be on da’ show.

Cow: Tee hee hee hee.

j-A.: O my what a big, fat, cow!

Cow: O Mr. Lenopants, you are such a flirt!

j-A.: Your place or mine?

Cow: oh you dirty, dirty lady!

(Cow whacks him with her udders really hard so that j-A flies off the screen, and comes back with his clothes on upside down and walking on his hands)

j-A.: So, Chicken how do you feel about your sister?

Chicken: She’s an idiot.

j-A.: mmmmmm and cow, how do you feel about your big brother?

Cow: Moo?

Chicken: I told ya she’s a idiot! A big fat idiot!

Cow: oh chicken, I’m flattered!

j-A.: Settle down ladies! People don’t watch this show to hear the guests go on and on! Now, let’s see who is the smartest, now who better to ask than their teacher, Ms. Teacher!

Teacher: Okay, okay! Hey you audiences shut yer pie-holes!

j-A.: Soooooo Ms. Teacher, which one of these two ladies, would you say is the smartest?

Teacher: Ida know! They’re both extraordinary steudents!

j-A.: You mean they’re both very bright?

Teacher: No! I mean they’re both poultry!

j-A.: Aaaaaaaaaaaah, BUT! Of coarse.

Teacher: I’d say they’re both equal students!

j-A.: Id say that?

Teacher: Yep, and I always agree with Id!

j-A.: Of course you do, you’re a simpleton!

Teacher: But...

j-A.: Shut yer cake hole! Now, Chicken’s older right?

Teacher: Yea, but...

j-A.: And, they both get equal grades, in the same class, right?!

Teacher: Yea, but...

j-A.: Sooo, Cows the smartest!

Teacher: Yeah, but Id said..

j-A.: Shut yer pork-trap, and go away!

Cow: Wooohmoo!

Chicken: Hey! Dat ain’t fair!

j-A.: Oh yes it is my would-taste-nice-deep-fried friend! Now, cow, we need some tears! So, tell us about the saddest day of your life!

Cow: Well, (sob) it was the day Slappy McCracken left me! Boo Hoo Hoo!! Waaahaaaaa!!

j-A.: Umm, pardon cow? Please tell us about Slappy McCracken!

Cow: Well, it all started when our teacher was talking about the Cheese war of Mozarellaville, the war was going on right next to our school, but then she had a wonderful surprise for us! Moo, an exchange student! A pie-faced cheesy exchange student moo, Slappy McCracken! Ooh boo hooo!

(Cow cries huge massive gorilla tears)

Audience: Yaaaaaaaaaay... er sob, booh hoo! Waaaaaah! Sob sob sob.

j-A.: It’s okay Cow! Keep on going! The more you cry, the more ratings we get! AH HA HA!!!

Cow: Well, sob, okay, I offered to chow him around, so after the, sob, boo moo, best time I ever had, I asked him, why his country was having a cheese war, he told me that, moo, it all, sob, started two hundred years ago, the towns pig was over farmed, people were starving, no one knows who threw the first hunk of cheese...

j-A.: No one, HA! Ooh, er... carry on Ms. Cow.

Cow: Yes, well, no one knows who threw the first hunk of cheese, but, It’s been cheese terror ever since, well, sob, Slappy and I went to Mozarellaville, and convinced everyone that they could eat cheese, once there was peace again, Slappy and I both retuned to our home-lands, BOO-HOO-MOO-WWAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! (sob) (sob).

j-A.: Well cow, don’t upset your fat head, any longer, because we have him here today!

(Cow’s face lights up with joy as Slappy runs to her and gives her a big hug.)

Slappy: Ho Cow! I vish never togh leve ju again!

Cow: Oh Slappy, but what about your country?

Slappy: Vell, ju zee, vile ju ver leavink, a pig var gad shtarted! Ghi Sughestet zat ve all make gham oont cheeze sandvitches, zey sought I vas krazy, oont, Ghi vas baniched! Cow, I ghumbily azk vor jor voghivness vor leavingk ju, pahleeze marry me?"

Cow: What?

Slappy: Oh pahleeeze Cow, I’m zorry for leavink ju, plahleeze ma...

Cow: Shut yer cake-hole! Just shut yer cake-hole! You had me at "Ho Cow," you had me at, "Ho cow,"

(Cow and Slappy start hugging, then the view shifts over to chicken and the Red Guy.)

j-A.: Well! That was short! We still have to fill in a few more minutes, Chicken! Tell us about the saddest moment of your life!

Chicken: Well it was when...

j-A.: Oh no! Not another love story!

Chicken: Shut yer pork-hole! Now as Ah waz sayin’, after a blind date with Dawinda and Boneless Chicken,

j-A.: Were you dating them both?

Chicken: No, I was datin’ Dawinda, well it started out Boneless datin her and me comein’ along but it ended up as me dating Dawinda and Boneless comin’ along.

j-A: Oh I see.

Chicken: So after my first date, we were walking back to Boneless’ place when we where arrested! Me for being a runnaway chicken, and dawinda for adding to the delinkuasy of a chicken, on the court date, we were sentenced two nine years imprisonment each, with 500 pork-buts bail, ah knew that Dawinda didn’t know anyone that could prepare pork-butts for bail, so Ah offered to serve both our sentences, mah parents came ta visit me, ah I apologized for mah behavior.

j-A.: What behavior was that?

Chicken: Anywayz, dey went inta a laughing fit and gladly served the 1, 000 pork-heighknees.

j-A.: So what happened to Dawinda?

Chicken: Ah (sob) dunno, Ah guess she didn’t want to see me again ‘cause I gave her a criminal record.

j-A.: Ooh, too bad we don’t have her here today!

Chicken: Yous don’t?

j-A: Ha! Gotcha! Of coarse we have her here!

Dawinda: Oh Shicken! I have missed you so mush!

Chicken: Dawinda, don’t ever leave me again! Will you marry me?

(Just then, Whimy bursts into the studio).

Whimy: He can’t marry her! He’s already married to me!

Chicken: Whimy, we’ve been threw dis, you and Ah ar divorced!

j-A: Oh palease, tell us why you two are divorced,

Audience member: This is better than my soaps!

Chicken: She tried ta roast me!

Whimy: yeh, but you promised to love honor and respect me through sickness and health!

Chicken: Yeah, but Ah didn’t say anythin’ about steamin’ hot grill!

Whimy: You’re just chicken!

Chicken: What’d ya ‘spect me ta be, a goose?!!!

Whimy: Mmmmmmm! Goose:

j-A.: Shut yer cake-holes! You’re taking up valuable time and time is ratings, and ratings is money! Now, Whimey, drop down and give me 50,000 push ups!

Whimey: You can’t do that!

j-A: I might be a talk show host, but I’m also a rear admiral!

Earl (in audience): Gee, I wish we could have married someone,

Flem (in audience): Why not, Sow, you wanna get married?

Sow (in audience): Ahh, Okay.

Flem and Earl: Yaaaaaaay!

I.M.Weasel (in audience): Lulubell, will you marry me?

Lulabell (in audience): Weasel, I thought you’d never ask! Yes!

I.R. Baboon (in audience): Stupid Weezel! I R getting married too! But to who? Aha! Fat Viking lady marry I.R?

Fat Viking Lady (in audience): Fat Viking lady marry I.R!

j-A. Thinks to himself: If they get married on the show, ratings will go sky high, we could show parts from this episode again and again and again, and again, and...

j-A.: You know I never thought I’d say this, but, IS THERE A MINISTER IN THE AUDIENCE?!!

Minister (in audience): Yep!

j-A: well then, come on down!

Minister: Do you I.M.Weasel, Chicken, Flem and Earl, Slappy, or I.R.Baboon take Lulabel, Dawinda, Sow, Cow, or fat Viking lady to be your lawfully wedded wife?

I.M.Weasle, Chicken, Flem and Earl, Slappy, and I.R.Baboon: I do!

Minister: Do you Lulabel, Dawinda, Sow, Cow, or fat Viking lady take I.M.Weasel, Chicken, Flem and Earl, Slappy, or I.R.Baboon to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Lulabel, Dawinda, Sow, Cow, and fat Viking lady: I do!

Minister: I no pronounce you men and wives! You may kiss your bride.

(Wedding music plays, and Lulabel, Dawinda, Sow, Cow, and fat Viking lady each throw a bouquet, and they all hit Boneless Chicken.)

Dad: Our Children are wed Momma!

Mom: Yes, and Chicken for the second time!

Dad: Oh honey!

Sailcat/announcer: And so, Cow and Slappy opened up a cheese farm, And had three cheesy, pie- faced calves. Chicken became a plastic surgeon, and Dawinda opened up a travel agency, they had two half human half chicken children, one half human, one half chicken (The last two children took after their grandparents) Sow had two half pig half alligator children, Flem and Earl question her faithfulness, I.M. Weasel and Lulabell had two super genius half human half weasel children, and the fat Viking lady sat on I.R.Baboon.

THE END.

Here is a fictional Jerry Springer interview with Cow and Chicken (& Dexter, & Dee-Dee) written by college student fan Elizabeth Berndt.

Cow and Chicken Talk it out with Jerry Springer

Starring: Cow, Chicken, Dexter, Dee-Dee, Jerry Springer, and a whole bunch of goo-goo eyed audience members with no life whatsoever !

JS: I would like to introduce two very, very special guests to the show, this is called Sibling Rivalry, so I thought it only fitting to bring these two guests, and another pair to the show. Our first two guests are Cow and Chicken. Perhaps you’ve heard of them from Cartoon Network. Let’s see exactly why the two can’t get along, shall we ?

Audience: YEAH !

Cow: Would you stop pushing me?

Chicken: No, you’re pushing me ! Cut it out!

Cow: No, YOU cut it out!

JS: Siblings, siblings, why the fussing and the feuding ? We haven’t started yet!

Cow & Chicken: Oh…

JS: That’s better. You may now have a seat.

Chicken: Thank you.

Cow: Yeah, thanks, Jerry.

JS: So, Chicken. You say your little sister, even though I can’t believe she’s little…Drives you crazy.

Am I right?

Chicken: Bingo.

JS: Why is that?

Chicken: Because she always wants to play these stupid girly games all the time…Besides, she keeps beating me on Battle Boat. (grumbles) I hate that game.

JS: That’s too bad. I guess that proves my theory that girls are smarter than boys.

Cow: Isn’t that the truth!

Chicken: Please!

Cow: Well, it’s true.

Chicken: Is not.

Cow: Is TOO!

Chicken: Is NOT!

(They fight)

JS: Security ! Get your butts up here!

(Security takes them away)

Audience: Nuts!

JS: Don’t worry, people. We have two more guests?

Audience: Just two?

JS: Yes, just two. (mumbles) Idiots.

Audience: AWWWW!

JS: You’re just going to have to DEAL WITH IT. Sorry, but I didn’t have enough siblings call in to be on the show. Kind of a bummer. Drat. I hate when that happens. (sighs) Oh, well…On with our last two guests. (to the audience) Is it me, or is this show shorter?

Audience: The show’s shorter, nimrod.

JS: (rolls eyes) Yeah…Uh-huh. I thought so. Anyway, on with the next guests. Dexter and Dee-Dee from Dexter’s Lab. Let’s see what these two have to say.

Dee-Dee: I am pleased as punch to be here!

Dexter: Somebody shoot me. This is so degrading.

JS: Dee-Dee, is it true that you destroy Dexter’s experiments?

DD: Yes, it is. I like his laboratory. It’s more spacious than my room!

Dexter: It’s more spacious than what’s inside your head, Dee-Dee!

DD: What was that, Dexter?

Dexter: Oh, I’m just stating the facts.

DD: (nods head) Sure, whatever Dexter.

JS: So, Dexter is it true that you yell at your sister if she beats you at video games?

Dexter: (embarrassed look on his face) Uh—Yeah, that’s right.

DD: You’re SUCH a sore loser!

Dexter: (sighs) I could never fight with my sister on public television…

DD: Uh---OK!

JS: I’m sorry people, but I don’t think this group’s gonna fight.

Dexter: This is so stupid!

DD: I agree with my brother. This isn’t worth my time, nor my brother’s time. I’m sorry, but we must leave. Come, Dexter.

Dexter: About time we walked out!

(They walk out, and the audience boos)

JS: I’m sorry ! Really ! I’m sorry!

Announcer: Do to the last few scenes of Springer, we had to cut him off. Besides, he’s in traction now do to an audience gone mad ! Sorry, folks. You’ll have to watch something else. May I suggest watching something else on TV or reading a book ? Hey if you don’t agree with me…Fine ! Have a nice day !

By: Elizabeth Berndt
July 8, 1998

<--Click the button to join our e-mail list and send e-mail with comments, requests, or suggestions about the shows or web site.

Click here to go back to our Home Page